{ { gratitude, deceit & love } }

So, I found a temporary fix for my windows verification problem. I might just concede to reformatting windows every 30 days. Why not? Faster computer. I'm sure I'll figure something out eventually, but until then, I've got a new mouse and a lot of work I've been getting done. I've been feeling quite productive.

On the downside, my family is, once again, turning their traitorous backs to me. After 10 years of thinking he would like to get to know me, be close to me, be the father I never had, or at least try to smooth over the wounds my own had left me, Raymond, my step father, faced with the opportunity, is no longer returning my phonecalls or my text messages. If he'd never known me before, why would I care, right? Because he had known me. Someone I thought cared when I was a child is rare to find when they supposedly still care about me today. Because I sent the occasional letter, afraid I would be answered with disdain or, worse, apathy, and I was always answered with eagerness, joy and gratitude at the slightest attention. Now, its gone.

About a week ago while my sister was in Santa Monica on business, she met with my oldest sister, Celeste, for dinner. Celeste infoms her that Siara, my youngest sister, not only quit her job working for Celeste, but broke off what Celeste saw as a meaningful and close bond of years, a strength found only in siblinghood. She had delivered unto her a "professional style" document stating that she and Heather, my other younger sister, no longer wanted any contact with Celeste, Kristin (my older sister who had been in Santa Monica) or myself, ever again. I still called Heather one of the best friends I ever had.. but not anymore. The grief and disappointment I feel borders on twisting into utter disdain towards Heather (and towards Ray too) because .. even if the reason for the separation were made right, there's no possible way I could ever truly trust her again. She is an adult.. and out of fear and, because I know better than to use petty insults, ignorance, has made a grievous mistake. Heather is quite old enough and smart enough to be held accountable for not using logic to see through the lies been fed her by a woman who has lied to her throughout her entire life versus someone who has never lied bluntly to her face before.

Yes, Carole seems to be at it again, the woman whose womb housed five very different women and raised two to fear, hate and love her all at once. On the one hand, I understand. And yet, I grew up. Got past it. And learned to reason the lies that were whispered in my ear by my father into truth. I learned. And through the utter lack of even duty to my very existance from my parents, I have learned coldness. I have learned the unpredictabilty of paranoia, madness, jealous and self-degredation and I have learned that after 25 years of living through it all.. pity is a thing of the past.. and not so much guilt, but shame, a very true dictatorship on my life.

I am ashamed. I will survive without you all. I will persevere. And the heartlessly selfish hand of our mother will never taint my life again, will never leave its mark upon my offspring, upon those I love. Never again, at whatever cost.

On Friday I applied for college. Soon, I might become a full-time student and nanny. I don't know whether to be thrilled or terrified. Part of me wants to weep, because when I went back to school, somewhere on the edge of the vision I had of me working dilligently on homework and fears of mathematics and physics I couldn't properly grasp the concepts of, I saw my phonecalls to Heather. The smart sister whom I could trust with my secrets and who wouldn't look at me as less for asking for help. I will do it without you. Hate me for becoming successful. Perhaps you're right Heather. Maybe I will be more successful than you. Romance, career, education... children. I'm going to have it all.

I know I'll be happy. But I also know it'll be a cold victory. Because those I thought would be there at the finish line, even if they see it.. it won't matter anymore. Truly. It just won't matter. Heather, Rachel.. Beanie. Yeah, Beanie. Everytime I think.. I hope.. that maybe things are getting better. I feel lost again. Without knowing what to do or say, whether I can trust and believe that I'm really worth what they say I'm worth.. I feel like I'm being lied to.

I feel shame. And everytime I do, I think back at what has seemed to become my hero in life. He showed me that I was worthwhile. And here, I feel as though I am garbage again, the kind that shouldn't be there because its just toxifying the very air you breathe, and yet you can't get rid of it. Worthless. A waste of space. And I am treated as such.

So, I end this with a silent thank-you to Celeste and Rene.. and to Kristin and Dan.. because though they truly never needed to, could have looked the other way and left me to suffer at the hands of those I could not help but love and forgive despite the deciet they throw in my face, they didn't leave me. They took me away. Rescued me for a time, saved my sanity in the only ways they know how. Family is never to rarely perfect, but they try.

And I am grateful.

And once again, I go to my bed wanting one woman. In the midst of all that I could have, its her arms cloaked about me like steel to save me from my sorrows and insecurities and the betrayals of those whom I can't help but feel some obligation to, that I feel around me, hugging me tight. Her lips kissing my forehead, her fingers brushing away my tears. I cannot help it.

On the one hand, I have a desire to look skyward, let out the long breath in my heart and thank the Goddess for answering my prayers and bringing me the love I knew I would fall hopelessly for. And on the other, I tread with caution, having a care that I choose my words and my wishes wisely.

But, I cannot help but love her with everything that is in me. I cannot help it.

Labels: beanie, bitterness, deceit, family, gratitude, lesbian, love, marial, traitors, wpa

posted by .. Ubii .. at 4:50 AM // 0 Comments //
O la-la-la! Gör som vi, till denna melodi.. !