{ My shopping list: }

• Heraldic Rose Wiccan Altar Tile / Pentacle Link
• Small Pentagram Chalice 5" Link
• PENDULUM - PENTACLE W/STONE Link
• Gypsy Witch Fortune Telling Playing Cards Link
• Tarot of Mermaids (Lo Scarabeo Series) Link
• Art Nouveau Tarot Card Deck Link

{ What Kind of Friend Does This? }

Do You Know What's Ubiique?

1) Everyone knows I'm a writer and almost everyone knows what I write about, but do you know who my main character is?

• Braddli E Morrigan, the empty-headed coffee addict.

• Maryella Saralindel, the melodramatic runaway.

• Ro Klai, the awkwardly beautiful romantic.

• Amy Lydian, the tyrannically elusive zipper.

{ phoenix & boobs }

Let's all hear a great big hurrah for boobs! Again and louder too! About this time next month I'll be living in Phoenix. First and foremost I'll be within local perimeters of my children again. Do you have any idea how awesome that is? Secondly, I'm job hunting and I've changed my domain again. What else is there to report? Well, hold onto your knickers, boys and girls...

Marial and I have resolved to be friends after a bit of an ugly tizzy. To be honest, I'd given up. My heart wasn't in it anymore, but I wanted it to be. I wanted to keep my promise and love her forever. With the way she treated me, though, everyone knew it was just an old bridge made up of all the wrong materials and holding up way too much stress. I stopped believing in her a few months ago, really. Yes, yes. I know, you're all so very proud of me. It was heartbreaking to know I didn't believe in her and worse when she proved me right.

She made all her old promises, but did one better this last time, and oh god I wanted to believe it. I said I'd stay her friend, but I reverted to the "I love you" habit within three days. The day after she'd gotten me softened again was the last day she apparently thought I was worthwhile enough to work for. Her plans of following me to Phoenix went down the drain with another woman. This one had drug problems, though, and used her for money. To be honest, I don't know whether it makes me feel worse or less than the new girl as a human being. I was dumb enough to let her string me along without coming through with any promises. Who needs to tie themselves down to a girl to get her to love you if she just does it anyway? Why buy the milk if you can get the cow for free? She didn't cheat on me because she kept herself free enough to make that decision if she wanted to. I, however, had my heart handed back to me in a soggy paper sack with some shit thrown in.

Marial, if you're reading this and getting pissed off at me all over again, spare me the hurtful words and text someone else instead to yell about my venting. Yes, I'm letting you help me, yes I'm trying to be your friend, but it doesn't change the fact that you took advantage of me. I was there whenever you felt like trotting back to me. And when I needed you.. well. Fuck me.

Anyway, after that blow-out I started talking to Joy again. I always liked Joy, but she's so prepared to be screwed over by someone its hard to love her. Well, she got depressed. Very depressed. And avoided me for a week after only being together for two weeks. No particular reason, she says. Just having a bad week. Well, fuck me. I promised to tell you whatever was going on no matter how difficult and apparently you can't return the favor. I dumped her. She hasn't really spoken to me since.

So, lonely, feeling lost and hoping to find a friend or at least something to keep my mind off of everything going on, I posted a craigslist ad. I never expected to find what I did and Kara, if you ever see this (which I doubt), I'm so sorry for hurting you, it truly was a complete accident. If I was in your shoes, I'd avoid me too! And here we come across the Fourth (the third being the ability to let go of Marial. You know you want to have a beer just for me! Go for it! CELEBRATE!) important event of the past few months and I think its one that will affect me for the rest of my life. I met a girl.

Yes, a girl. She's younger than me and living in Phoenix. She'll be quite local and I'm incredibly excited to be flying headlong (almost literally!) into her arms in a mere two weeks time! Neither of us can wait, it seems, and love seems to be decking me in the face everytime I check my phone. Yeah, fuckers. I said love, god dammit! Liz B. is extremely sweet, romantic, funny and considerate and she'd hard-working. I'm the lucky one.

Anymore important events! YES! There are! Event number Five! FUCK YOU UNATTEND.TXT! I managed to get the REAL Windows Product Activation Code for my Backup Disks with much thanks to Heather! What's that you say? What's that got to do with anything? Yeahwell, if you cared any, you'd know I was having to reformat my brother's computer every 30 days because I couldn't find the Product Key. If that had kept up, my brother would have killed me when I moved because, well.. he'd have to reformat this thing his self. :X I have to admit, though, the idea did make me lol a little.

Ah, event number six would be the replacement of me at my job. Linda is a very nice woman in her forties (coughFIFTIEScough) who is now the new nanny. I'm going to miss her when I'm gone. :( Event number six was already mentioned. I am now being hosted by www.sindlene.net, so the new link is ubiique.sindlene.net.

Other events? No.. not really. So, I think I'll end this post with some Shiznat, because Shiznat is hot. I'd so do Natsuki. Sorry Shizuru, as much as I love the two of you together, you're a fucking creep. I claim no credit for the below images.

Labels: boobs, ex, girlfriend, joy, marial, phoenix, promises, unattend.txt, wpa

{ { almost an update } }

I never found a fix for the WPA issue, but I did find my reinstall disks. On the downside, I've reformatted twice already and lost loads and loads of work. Depressing, really. My sisters and I are talking again, but I doubt that I'll ever trust the one who really started it ever again. I was lied to, it was unnecessary and I don't appreciate it.

Anyway, I've had something on my mind lately. I keep getting friends and, yeah, I know what its all about, but I've told you all what I want. And well, they suddenly don't have much interest in talking to me. A couple of weeks or, in most cases (4 out of 5), months go by and I hear from them because either something is going wrong and they want to talk about it, or because I contact them wondering what's going on. And every time I find out I got forgotten because these girls got a girlfriend or a boyfriend and suddenly.. Ali is obsolete.

Yeah, I know. It used to happen all the time, so why is it bothering me now? Because of a girl who I tried my damnedest to back away from because she said she was falling in love with me. That's how it all started. I tried to be nice. I tried to spare her and myself some heartache. But she wanted to stay friends. And I thought she seemed like a great friend. Then I ended up in the hospital.

I spent two days waiting to be seen in an overstuffed very large county hospital in (I believe) the 7th largest city in the country. I had my first bone break(s). I had my first surgeries. And I went through all of it alone with nothing but a cellphone in hand, texting whoever would talk to me when I wasn't so exhausted that I was falling asleep. I texted Joy. A few times. And when I went home, I texted her some more after I could get around a little better. It was two months before I suddenly got an IM out of the blue.

And I found out that she'd gotten a girlfriend about a month before I went into the hospital. I was such a great friend and she was so thrilled about being friends with me that I was the last one to find out. Fuck you, Joy.

Its times like these I realize I'm growing into a very bitter and hateful person. I just wish I had someone I could trust not to forget about me.

Labels: forgotten

{ { gratitude, deceit & love } }

So, I found a temporary fix for my windows verification problem. I might just concede to reformatting windows every 30 days. Why not? Faster computer. I'm sure I'll figure something out eventually, but until then, I've got a new mouse and a lot of work I've been getting done. I've been feeling quite productive.

On the downside, my family is, once again, turning their traitorous backs to me. After 10 years of thinking he would like to get to know me, be close to me, be the father I never had, or at least try to smooth over the wounds my own had left me, Raymond, my step father, faced with the opportunity, is no longer returning my phonecalls or my text messages. If he'd never known me before, why would I care, right? Because he had known me. Someone I thought cared when I was a child is rare to find when they supposedly still care about me today. Because I sent the occasional letter, afraid I would be answered with disdain or, worse, apathy, and I was always answered with eagerness, joy and gratitude at the slightest attention. Now, its gone.

About a week ago while my sister was in Santa Monica on business, she met with my oldest sister, Celeste, for dinner. Celeste infoms her that Siara, my youngest sister, not only quit her job working for Celeste, but broke off what Celeste saw as a meaningful and close bond of years, a strength found only in siblinghood. She had delivered unto her a "professional style" document stating that she and Heather, my other younger sister, no longer wanted any contact with Celeste, Kristin (my older sister who had been in Santa Monica) or myself, ever again. I still called Heather one of the best friends I ever had.. but not anymore. The grief and disappointment I feel borders on twisting into utter disdain towards Heather (and towards Ray too) because .. even if the reason for the separation were made right, there's no possible way I could ever truly trust her again. She is an adult.. and out of fear and, because I know better than to use petty insults, ignorance, has made a grievous mistake. Heather is quite old enough and smart enough to be held accountable for not using logic to see through the lies been fed her by a woman who has lied to her throughout her entire life versus someone who has never lied bluntly to her face before.

Yes, Carole seems to be at it again, the woman whose womb housed five very different women and raised two to fear, hate and love her all at once. On the one hand, I understand. And yet, I grew up. Got past it. And learned to reason the lies that were whispered in my ear by my father into truth. I learned. And through the utter lack of even duty to my very existance from my parents, I have learned coldness. I have learned the unpredictabilty of paranoia, madness, jealous and self-degredation and I have learned that after 25 years of living through it all.. pity is a thing of the past.. and not so much guilt, but shame, a very true dictatorship on my life.

I am ashamed. I will survive without you all. I will persevere. And the heartlessly selfish hand of our mother will never taint my life again, will never leave its mark upon my offspring, upon those I love. Never again, at whatever cost.

On Friday I applied for college. Soon, I might become a full-time student and nanny. I don't know whether to be thrilled or terrified. Part of me wants to weep, because when I went back to school, somewhere on the edge of the vision I had of me working dilligently on homework and fears of mathematics and physics I couldn't properly grasp the concepts of, I saw my phonecalls to Heather. The smart sister whom I could trust with my secrets and who wouldn't look at me as less for asking for help. I will do it without you. Hate me for becoming successful. Perhaps you're right Heather. Maybe I will be more successful than you. Romance, career, education... children. I'm going to have it all.

I know I'll be happy. But I also know it'll be a cold victory. Because those I thought would be there at the finish line, even if they see it.. it won't matter anymore. Truly. It just won't matter. Heather, Rachel.. Beanie. Yeah, Beanie. Everytime I think.. I hope.. that maybe things are getting better. I feel lost again. Without knowing what to do or say, whether I can trust and believe that I'm really worth what they say I'm worth.. I feel like I'm being lied to.

I feel shame. And everytime I do, I think back at what has seemed to become my hero in life. He showed me that I was worthwhile. And here, I feel as though I am garbage again, the kind that shouldn't be there because its just toxifying the very air you breathe, and yet you can't get rid of it. Worthless. A waste of space. And I am treated as such.

So, I end this with a silent thank-you to Celeste and Rene.. and to Kristin and Dan.. because though they truly never needed to, could have looked the other way and left me to suffer at the hands of those I could not help but love and forgive despite the deciet they throw in my face, they didn't leave me. They took me away. Rescued me for a time, saved my sanity in the only ways they know how. Family is never to rarely perfect, but they try.

And I am grateful.

And once again, I go to my bed wanting one woman. In the midst of all that I could have, its her arms cloaked about me like steel to save me from my sorrows and insecurities and the betrayals of those whom I can't help but feel some obligation to, that I feel around me, hugging me tight. Her lips kissing my forehead, her fingers brushing away my tears. I cannot help it.

On the one hand, I have a desire to look skyward, let out the long breath in my heart and thank the Goddess for answering my prayers and bringing me the love I knew I would fall hopelessly for. And on the other, I tread with caution, having a care that I choose my words and my wishes wisely.

But, I cannot help but love her with everything that is in me. I cannot help it.

Labels: beanie, bitterness, deceit, family, gratitude, lesbian, love, marial, traitors, wpa

{ { wpa issue update 1 } }

Soo.. the whole bypassing wpa long enough to use the internet didn't work, because its suddenly not detecting my internet and not letting me run my net detect agents to make it available. So.. ! I used the import certificate button to browse through my system files I care to keep and uploaded them to a disk.. including a little music. Reformat here I come.

I'm going to do my best to figure out how to refomat with an older version of windows. I fail epicly at bypassing wpa.

{ { wpa blows. hard. } }

You know, usually, I don't have a damn thing to say about Microsoft, but I'm having a legitimate problem that I truly with I could call and talk to Lasse about. Cause I know he'd laugh at me for 5 minutes and then refer me to places to look for help. Ok. Maybe he would, I dunno. He might just lawl at me for a few days and tell me to do it myself. Trust me, I've done everything I can think of or figure out.

I am sure everyone can agree with me when I say that WPA (Windows Product Activation) is probably the stupidest security device I've ever seen cooked up for Windows. I actually have a legit Windows Installation CD with a legit product key. I went into the CD to verify the Product Key on the box (you know, UNATTEND.txt) and the key just doesn't work. It claims its incorrect. I called Microsoft and all I got was "I don't know" and "We cannot help you until you find the correct Product Key" which makes me strangle and shake the phone and tell them "It is the correct product key!" Ah, well. I tried keygens, I tried bypass patches, and now I'm about ready to give up.

Although WinXP doesn't allow me to log in, it does allow me to access my computer (because I'm smrt) through IE. So, I'm going to try and find one more keygen that's more specific to my request, but its proving quite difficult to find. If it fails, though, I'm going to save my more vital files (i.e. the work in progress graphics I've got going on) to disk and then I'm going to reformat. Anyway..

Wish me luck. I'll need it.

Labels: bypass patch, keygen, microsoft, reformat, winxp, wpa

{ { currently theatric } }

Alright, lets get down to what's current, shall we? First and foremost, theres thishere blog. Yes, yes, as we speak I am taking an arrogant bow and looking down my nose at you (kidding!). The pink link on the navigation all the way on the right will show credits for the lyrics I got the titles and whatnot from and the person whose layout I've edited. She's quite talented. Wonder if she's into chicks..

Secondly, I uploaded a few sketches, one of which (She Air Dries, Lawl) I might turn into a base once I get my PC working correctly again, to DA. I've progressed a little on Wane They Ember, but haven't updated yet. That'll come later, I've mostly been working on the actual storyline itself, not any excerpts in particular. If anyone has any ideas on things that could, should or you'd like to see happen, feel free to comment and let me know. (If and when you submit a suggestion, you forfeit any and all legal responsibility for said submitted suggestion unless you list your name and/or an email and/or url in which readers can contact you.) I've been slacking in the QBee department, and of course, right when I'm able to move around efficiently enough to have time to make some trades, my computer says "I hate you, fag."

Which brings me to what else is going on. There was a theme-based error on my edition of Windows XP about 2 weeks ago and I did everything I could think of to fix it. I looked through all my CDs and finally found one that worked to repair the Windows Logon Process issue. Now, thankfully, the problem is currently fixed, but Windows XP Home demands that I enter a product key to activate the installation. Its a legit disk, it isn't pirated, but no matter how many times I call or enter in the numbers, it says its incorrect. So, I tried to find a keygen and a bypass hack. Makes me wish I could talk to Lasse.. he might know how to help. Then again he might also ask to see my boobs... -shudder-. Anyway, if anyone has a suggestion on finding a solution to my Windows Product Activation bypassing issue, then please, leave a comment. I'll be forever in your debt. If I can't fix it tonight or in the morning, I'm going to reformat the entire drive. Bleh.

Lets not leave out the current drama in my life, shall we? My mother is at it again, pitting her daughters against each other so that she can move in (much like what my preachers have described Satan's motives) and make us believe she's the only one on our side. Lets keep it clear that, biologically, Carole (my mother) has 5 daughters and, legally, she only has 3 daughters. I am the third and about the time I was born, the case against Carole and Rick (my father) was closed and they lost their parental privileges and any right to see or contact their first 2 daughters in any way, shape, form or fashion. Now, my younger sister (sister number 4), Heather, is the only one contacting Carole right now as far as I know. Carole told her that I'm coming down for Thanksgiving to sue my mother for the "custody papers to the older girls", to tell the family about Ray (Carole's current husband) and to tell the family about some kind of personal business of Heather's.

Legally, I have no right to see those papers. There isn't a lawyer or judge on the face of this planet who wouldn't laugh in my face for even suggesting suing Carole for those documents. They have nothing to do with me, my name is mentioned in passing and it says I was born June 15, which I wasn't. On top of it, my older sister, Kristin (sister number 2), has those papers already and as that I live with her, she already showed them all to me. And trust me, I read every piece of paper I got my hands on in those files. I know all the filthy details of what happened.

As for Raymond, Kristin told me when she met Carole at Grandma Mary's (Carole's Mother) house near Arrowhead Lake, that Carole told her about Raymond and what he'd done to be on lifetime probation at the time, and he later went to prison for it for 8.5 years. So, the family already knows about Raymond. If there's something else, I don't know about it, and I personally don't care. Although I think someone told Ray not to talk to me anymore. He was speaking to me for a while with smalltalk, but now he won't even say "hi" to me.

Heather, however, is one of my best friends. I've never, ever, gone blabbing about any of her business before... and I know a lot of her business. If, however, I wanted to go blab some of her current business, there's not much I'd have to say that would make her look bad, if anything at all, and blabbing would only make myself look immature.

She has a full time job of several years now where she makes great money and gets promotions regularly.

She has a semi-steady and stable boyfriend for 6+ months now.

She's working on going back to school.

She's living on her own and not taking Carole's crap.

She's working on getting a car and has (I believe) already gotten her liscense.

I'm actually kind of proud of my little sister.. she's come a long way from feeling like everybody's foot was pressing down on her throat and crushing her. I know she still feels that way about G4S, but well.. she likes her job and hates the people. It comes with the territory. I'm honored to be able to call her my sister. I just hope I get to still call her one of my best friends, cause I've always felt I could tell her anything very nearly, and she'd at least listen, even if she didn't understand.

So, there's that bit of drama. I'm also talking to Ron a little now. Maybe we need to work on talking about little things, and forget some of the big things for now. I do kinda miss him in a way. But its going to be painful.

Dax has learned that he's an asshole. He's now trying his very best to be polite when he speaks to me, and he's doing quite well with it. I'm a bit proud of him, but I'm not gunna hook back up with him for the sake of the kids. :[ I should learn my lesson before the third time.

As for the rest? Well, I think I've divulged more than enough for now. But for any family reading this right now, I'm never hiding from these dirty rumors or the worry of what you will all think of me anymore. I will fight back, I won't hide, and I won't stand for anymore lies. My life has been littered with lies for way too long. Its time for them to end.

{ My shopping list: }

{ What Kind of Friend Does This? }

Do You Know What's Ubiique?

{ phoenix & boobs }

{ { almost an update } }

{ { gratitude, deceit & love } }

{ { wpa issue update 1 } }

{ { wpa blows. hard. } }

{ { currently theatric } }

{ UBIIQUE }

{ THEATRICS }

{ MUSICALLY }

{ AMAZING! }

{ NETWORK }

{ GOODIES }